


A Practical Grading of Caretaker Applications

by Pastafarian



Category: A Practical Guide to Evil - erraticerrata
Genre: Silly, Wholesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastafarian/pseuds/Pastafarian
Summary: In which we Disclose the Results of Certain Applications for caretakers of children in Cardinal, a city Most Fine.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	A Practical Grading of Caretaker Applications

**Alain: Withdrawn, And Also Denied**

Alain Monduc, the Relentless Magistrate, has upon consideration and self-reflection after one trial session withdrawn his application. As is our standard practice, we will nonetheless evaluate his application fully and without rancor, based on that single afternoon.

It is sometimes necessary to speak of matters that are less than perfectly joyous, when it comes to children. It is not only that they scream, wail, strike, or flee; it is that these are all expected and necessary. It is not only that they will speak to wound, or lie in ways most brazen; it is that these, too, are expected and necessary. A child tests the bonds that tie them to other children and adults, and tests them each and every day. A child does so with words and deeds of affection, which is pleasing, and with needs that can be provided for, which is fulfilling; but a child also does so by transgressing deliberately the bounds of permitted and permissible behavior.

The child does this not because the child is evil or flawed, but because the child must test these things and observe the results in order to understand them. The child does this not because the child is broken, but because the child must learn; learn what is proper, what is permitted, which divergencies from good behavior will be overlooked, and which will not. A caretaker of children must understand this and temper judgment with compassion, temper strictness with love.

Alain is mindful and observant, disciplined and proper in speech and deed. He is entirely suitable for any number of positions with any number of ventures or endeavors, so long as those take him far from the care of children between the age of action and the age of reason.

As that range, from nine months to seven years, contains the vast majority of our practice and clientele, his considered and wise decision to withdraw it notwithstanding, the application of Alain Monduc is firmly denied.

.

**Amadeus: Approved, With Caveats**

We were initially not inclined to consider the application of Amadeus of the Green Stretch, previously known as the Black Knight. We were prevailed upon to do otherwise, and consider him in a more objective manner.

We have no reason to believe that Amadeus is a threat to hearth, home, kin, or kindred. Amadeus, once contracted, will ensure the safety of the children under his care and those they love, or who love them truly. His mannerisms are not entirely cold, and he adequately undertakes the practice of physical affection which a small child or infant requires. Perhaps due to his particular stature, they quickly grow comfortable with him, losing whatever shyness they had, whether physical or verbal; in turn, he professes a sincere delight at their progress in crawling, leaping, climbing, or otherwise traversing the furniture, each other, and himself.

Of the more mechanical skills of the trade, we have no complaints with regards to Amadeus’s competence. He is meticulous and sees no kind of work as beneath him, when it is within the realm of the trade.

All of these things admitted, we have grave reservations with recommending that any prospective employer contract Amadeus for childcare. Be aware that if no bond of loving affection exists between your child and yourself, he will consider your status of parent a convenience; at minimum, he will not go out of his way to avert harm or danger to you, and will not heed any preferences you might have with regards to his manner or demeanor.

.

**Angelique: Approved, With Caveats**

Angelique is, I remind the undiscerning reader, a Villain, a Damned. The Poisoner, to be clear to the point of crassness, despite her unassuming appearance.

That is not to say that we dismiss her out of hand. On the contrary; the Poisoner’s charm is a substantial component of her harmless appearance, and she wields this charm with equanimity upon children of all ages. Equally, there is no need to be concerned with a spouse’s fidelity or the disapproval of neighbors judgmental of your hiring decisions, as Angelique has a history of putting such matters to permanent rest.

Her baked goods are extraordinarily flavorsome, and you will find your kitchen suffices her purpose regardless of what tools you have or ingredients you lacked. The varied flavors and textures of her cooking make for products which are adaptable to children of nearly any age, including infants, and which are nigh-guaranteed to gently, through their excellence, persuade picky or finicky eaters to partake joyfully. Otherwise, we find her to be a generally adequate caretaker. Despite her somewhat old-fashioned initial approach, she has made plain her willingness to abide by the standards we expect in all those who are contracted through our services.

With regards to the skills of the trade, we might caution that Angelique speaks only Chantant, Lower Miezan, and Lunara. Given her age and lack of an Aspect to ease it, she has indicated an unwillingness to learn additional languages at this time. With those caveats notwithstanding, we approve Angelique for work through our agency.

.

**Antigone: Approved.**

There are those who will balk at choosing Antigone, the Witch of the Woods. We must demur with those concerns. The more obvious, and oblivious, speak of her demeanor and coldness, or speak of propriety. It is obviously the case that a Chosen, a Hero, of such repute and with such Titanic influence cannot be said to be acting in an improper manner, and the children inform us firmly that she is "just shy", and within her body language there is a tremendous kindness.

The more insidious concern is exactly that of her language. I say to you that the gestures she teaches the children under her care are as useful a learning as Chantant or Lower Miezan. A child as young as a single year can use these hand gestures to communicate long before being able to form words.

On the practical concerns, Antigone had no trouble whatsoever with the various tasks - the changing of cloths, cleaning, inducing to eat, and taking rest at the appropriate time - and was as solicitous of the children and any potential hazards as could be desired.

We approve Antigone, Witch of the Woods, as a registered caretaker of children and recommend her to any seeking same.

.

**Christophe: Approved**

Christophe de Pavanie is a man of earnest diligence. Indefatigable, this Chosen, this Hero brings a boundless, though measured, energy to his efforts. His manners are among the most proper, the most correct that I have observed among all of our applicants, and he takes a great deal of care to present the proper attitude and observe the proper forms. He is not unpleasant to look upon, but not so comely as to shatter the comity of a family by his very presence. He is not a peerless dancer, but he moves and speaks with a sufficiency of grace to avoid embarrassment in any social occasion.

It is this grace, this certainty that he brings to his work, which is the main recommendation we have of him. He will not apply an otherworldly brilliance or an ethereal wit to the problems of your children; he will instead manifest a calm stolidity which will weather any storm they bring to bear without flinching or yielding, and which when that storm is spent will bend and show by word and deed that the unbending iron he becomes when tested can easily be silken when cooperated with.

In practice, Christophe conceals skillfully the revulsion he has for the more menial labor involved in this trade. We cannot fault him his feelings, so long as he continues to do so. I would recommend not placing him in unsupervised charge of purchasing decisions, as he can be somewhat credulous with regards to the claims of merchants, and otherwise not entirely in tune with what the true needs of the household are. As well, in terms of language he speaks only Lower Miezan and Chantant, though he has committed to acquiring a fluency in Reitz and will progress therefrom to further goals.

We approve Christophe de Pavanie, the Mirror Knight, as a registered caretaker, with a particular focus on troubled or troublesome children and groups of the same.

.

**Concocter: Denied**

We are not certain why the Concocter chose to file an application for employment through our agency. Personally, though it may be improper for me to say so, I cannot help but note for the record that she seemed deeply inebriated, affected by some manner of intoxicant of her own design. Regardless, we offered her an employment trial, as is our policy with even those Villains who we think will be wholly unsuitable.

In this, we are disappointed to say that we were not surprised. While the Concocter’s improvised rash cream, when applied to the skin of the child in her care, worked perfectly, the parents of the child were wroth that a Damned had used such an untested application without their assent. I concur with their belief that this was both professionally inappropriate and personally unwise of the Concocter. Such cures and tonics should be sold responsibly and in their own right, rather than used as an advantage in securing a position caring for a child.

As well, the attempts at humor on the subject of what potions could be brewed or enhanced using the various organs of the child may have provoked the child to mirth in the moment, but when repeated by those children to the parents afterwards they proved to be a further lapse in judgment on the Villain’s behalf.

The Concocter’s application is emphatically denied.

.

**Hanno: Approved**

Hanno of Arwad is our benchmark for excellence and flexibility. Do not be put off by this Chosen’s Bestowal of White Knight; he is willing and able to work with all families of all cultures, and his status with regards to judgment and Judgment alike are no different from the demands we make upon all caretakers who work through our agency, to report and if necessary take action in certain circumstances and otherwise to neither speak nor act of those they work for.

Hanno speaks every language of Cardinal, these languages including all Calernian tongues with the sole exception of the various Ashkaran dialects and those secret tongues of the races underground. He is comfortable in almost every cultural setting, and will deftly navigate any social niceties or other matters in which it can be convenient to have been born and raised in a particular realm, from the vast and terrible Wasteland to the Free Cities, the sole exception of note being that of, again, those hidden peoples who dwell not within the sight of the sun.

Hanno has no hesitation in performing any task required of him, and performing it with simple perfection or, when useful to do so, with those elegant or even ungainly additions which entertain or please those children watching him. In particular, however, I must mention that never have I seen a man, or a woman, speak to children as he does. Through simple, calm speech and sympathetic or empathetic fancies he draws a true connection with them, and through this connection he compels them most kindly to behave as he believes they ought. Without a harsh word and without a single punishment or even threat of one, Hanno can quell rebellion and instill studiousness and wholehearted joyful play alike.

If we were to issue a caution it would be to say that Hanno possesses within his heart a singular approach to the raising of children, and will not deviate for the sake of the preferences of a client. This approach treats the children as people, but not as adults; and it treats their follies and departures from propriety or proper behavior not as sins requiring penalty or retaliation but as opportunities to teach and connect about feelings and the world.

The application for our agency of Hanno of Arwad is entirely accepted and endorsed.

.

**Indrani: Approved**

It was our pleasure to entertain the application for employment of the formerly-Refuge based Villain named Indrani, known to those who partake in lore of the Damned as the Archer. It was made known to us that an objective judgment in the matter, without regard for any possible connections with any authority of Cardinal she might possess, was sought; this turned out to be quite simple an endeavor.

It is a matter of public record that Indrani is possessed of both the speed and endurance needed to keep up with children of all ages. What is less known is the genuine charm which she plies to the end of not having to exert coercive control over those same children; in all cases, she would prefer to convince them to behave in a manner she finds appropriate than to require her active intervention.

This manner is not always genteel. It is proper that children remitted unto her care come home with skinned knees and mud in their hair, for those knees are from the inevitable slips and tumbles and the mud in their hair finds its origin in their attempts of such feats of dexterity as the Archer inspire children to attempt; cartwheels and flips, handsprings and slides. This was, of course, entirely expected.

Less expected is the ease with which Indrani, in her trials, instructed the children as to their rhetoric, reading, and deportment. She was endlessly patient with demands to read a book of grotesque simplicity, such as the one titled merely  _ Hounds _ , a book of counting and barking; she at one point read this book five times in the space of eight minutes without the proper indulgent smile fading in the least from her face, and successfully induced the normally willful, fitful child to not only then read the book himself but then attire himself appropriately for slumber and take such a midday rest as to render him fit for good behavior for the rest of the day.

It is our pleasure to approve Indrani, the Archer, as a registered caretaker of children, and we strongly recommend her for any whose children struggle unusually with their figures.

.

**Masego: Approved, but Withdrawn**

Concurrent with the application of the Archer, we received an application from her partner Masego, the Hierophant. It is as always my duty and responsibility to evaluate only upon the metrics which are relevant, rather than entertaining questions such as why a person might be inquiring or how much more good they could otherwise do with their time. As such, we proceeded with the usual sequence of interviews and practical trials.

Masego possesses a manner which, while somewhat acerbic to adults, has a mix of directness and profundity fit to satisfy or, failing satisfaction, to at least stymie the queries of children. He attended to the needs of those too young to communicate precisely on the schedule of changing, feeding, and sleep required, and with precise adherence to the habits and manner expected of him, as though they were a matter of solemn ritual. Older children were encouraged to entertain themselves, or induced to quiescence through elaborate, off-handedly cast illusions suited to their developmental needs.

We do not entirely endorse the use of such illusions, as we consider the evidence weak that any information imparted by then, no matter how notionally educational, coheres within the minds of a child to the degree needed for true informational integration. However, the tailoring of the illusions to the child was well done and the thoroughness of Masego’s explanations of the magic involved to the child sufficed to more than counterbalance the otherwise dubious educational value.

With regards to the skills of the trade, the Hierophant’s use of miracles and magics, generally ones in categories considered ‘most foul’ by the more particular, is functionally equivalent to doing the work by hand, and it is the policy of our agency to not discriminate against individuals who use either magics or physical prostheses in their line of work, so long as they are capable of performing the work to an adequate degree.

Masego informed us after his final evaluatory session that he was withdrawing his application as his time with us had by then already fulfilled his purposes in filing the application. Nonetheless, we informed him, as is only proper, that he has been approved as a caretaker. We would, were he actively seeking such a contract, recommend him most highly for a household in need of not only a caretaker but also a tutor in magical or mathematical arts.

.

**Neshamah: Rejected**

In the northerly realm once known as Sephirah, which now bears the name Keter, there is a portal that leads to a Hell, the Serenity. Within this place dwells, rules, and reigns an ancient and terrible horror named Neshamah, the Dead King.

It is written that he is the scourge which sweeps the world. It is written that he is the shiver before the end, the glint before the strike, the drop of blood that hangs and then spills. It is said of him that he takes children, not for any magical rite but simply because by doing so he dwells within the Role that he has chosen.

We do not know through what provenance this application crossed our desk. We have turned it, all furniture it touched, and the building in question to the relevant authorities of Cardinal. Should any have information on how such an event came to pass, a substantial gold reward is offered, along with our assistance in any one matter of no worse than dubious nature.

.

**Rafaella: Approved**

Rafaella came to us bearing recommendations solely in languages I cannot read - Reitz, primarily, but also Kharsum and Crepescular - but which upon inquiry with the known polyglot Roland de Beaumarais I came to understand are legitimate recommendations. We are grateful to his interpretative skills, as we wished to do the proper diligence due to such a figure as the Valiant Champion.

It should be made abundantly clear that Rafaella has at no point in time violated any rule or regulation that we have set down, nor that a client has set down. The complaints from our client in her second trial were heard and are substantiated, but we held, and still hold, that a Blessed of her stature is perfectly capable of executing the feats of physical ability which she indulged both herself and the children in.

Rafaella was untiring and cheerful at every passing moment, including during those times she was performing the menial tasks of cleaning and cleansing that fill so much time. She was perfectly content in motion, chasing children whose schooling leaves them with a surfeit of energy through the woods, as expected. More unexpected, she was perfectly content in stillness, a newborn infant lulled to sleep by the blazing heat of her bared chest, rising and falling with slow breaths. She was solicitous in the extreme of the degree of effort it took for such an infant to lie, not even rising, on belly rather than back, treating a kick of the leg or a failed quarter-roll as a feat of strength and endeavor. She is solicitous also of the weakness of such an infant’s neck and back, and I attest that she has never been seen juggling in the air any children too young for it to be safe, nor any child longer than the child enjoyed it, nor more than four of them at a time.

We note that Rafaella’s good humor belies the, as it were, humor which she employs. I am confident that her Lunara, Ceseo, and Murcadan are not her only truly fluent languages, and her pretensions to feeble misunderstandings in Tradertalk and Lower Miezan belie a great fluency in both of those. We note that she also, when she believes it will not be noticed, indulges in wordplay in languages ranging from Chantant to such tongues as Reitz and the Kharsum which one of her recommendations was written in.

Rafaella is approved without caveats for caretaking positions, for all ages and numbers of children.

.

**Wandering Bard: Denied**

We regret the irregularity of referring to a prospective caretaker by their Name. We take pains and go to some length to deal with people, not their formal titles or positions, and we see no difference in that regard between a rank or appointment in some manner of government or military and a Name, whether bestowed by the Gods Above or the Gods Below.

Nonetheless, we cannot help but refer to this particular applicant in such a manner. The woman whose appellations have included, in recent times, Almorava of Smyrna, Aoede of Nicae, and Marguerite of Baillons, is known to us only in the most general of senses. She bears the Bestowal, or perhaps Damnation, of the Intercessor or the Wandering Bard, and all of the names we have been provided for her are those of women who are known to be dead; and yet, we are assured that each of them was her, and she was each of them.

These prefatory remarks hopefully providing some small amount of context for how we might address her, the Intercessor’s application is firmly denied, and we will comply with the request made of us that we testify with regards to her behavior. There are appropriate ways to deal with teething pains, ranging from a distillate of the poplar or willow to a cloth first gently wetted and then flatly frozen, and there are … these.


End file.
